Dee's Top 11 Most Wanted Men

            People Magazine’s January issue made my work life interesting for a while. I couldn’t get through a shift without some female from age 16 to “I remember the Depression!” dissolving into girl goo and holding up the cover like I hadn’t seen it eight million times before.

            “God, isn’t Ryan Gosling gorgeous?” they’d gush, mother and daughter, grandmother and granddaughter, “What a sexy man. He’s perfect.”

            Even coworkers had Gosling fever, swooning over the People issue in the break room. Ryan Gosling, People Magazine’s Most Wanted Man.

            And all the time I was in the midst of this girly hysteria, I just kept thinking, “…Really?” Seriously…really? Ryan Gosling’s the most wanted man? His hotness bridges generation gaps with the same fervor as the freaking horrible 50 Shades of Grey shit? Once again I felt like everyone was in on some big joke I wasn’t getting. Ryan Gosling can’t possibly be a most wanted man. Seriously, is the world pranking me? He looks like any other nondescript blonde guy who goes to the gym. His face is as normal as it gets. Hell, on the People cover, he looks hung over! And he’s totally stealing Barney Stinson’s signature photo pose.

            This situation reminded me of the story I started working on (and didn’t finish…but I will...some day!) with my darlings GG and Monroe and their “husbands”, Darren Criss and Matthew Morrison from Glee, and my husband…er, Nero Bellum from Psyclon Nine. I totally understand that my tastes tend to deviate from the norm, but it’s not really as extreme a difference as you might think. I appreciate men sans eyeliner. I drool over six packs. In fact, most of the guys I was interested in before The Boyfriend tread nowhere near the darkling line. So I think I can speak with at least a little bit of authority when I say what the hell is Ryan Gosling doing on the cover of People with a title that should belong to someone like Johnny Depp? I mean, seriously, I can think of ten guys who are way hotter than Ryan Whitebread Gosling. Some girls might even agree with me on some of them!

            So, in response to People’s recent cover, I’m going to make my own list. Yay, more lists!

Dee’s Top 11 Most Wanted Men

            Before we begin, a stipulation. I’m sticking to celebrities and pseudo celebrities, which is why The Boyfriend does not appear on this list. I was thinking about doing something like making him #1, some kind of cute little fake out, but I am so not that girl. Obviously he’s my #1. I live with him. I’m sleeping with him. I love him.

<3 He's going to kill me if he reads this post. <3 

            I’m also not doing a sexy fictional characters list, because it would be a looong list. It would include such characters as Eric Draven, The Joker (shock), the Phantom of the Opera, Scorpius, and three characters portrayed by Johnny Depp. Feel free to fill in the blanks, you’re probably right.

            I have a ton of runners up that only didn’t make the list because I forced myself to whittle it down to top 10. Okay, top 11. And a half. I can’t whittle it down to 10. Too many gorgeous men out there. What a beautiful world we live in.

11. Daniel Day Lewis

            Starting out with a weird one, I know. But Daniel Day Lewis is just…hot somehow. Seriously. One, he’s talent hot. You have to admire someone who comes down with pneumonia and still refuses to break character. And doesn’t that admiration turn you on a little? Admit it, Daniel Day Lewis is the only man who could make Abraham Lincoln a turn on. And I’m sorry, but can we talk about Gangs of New York? Bill the Butcher embodies every single thing I despise about American “patriots” and yet he is so, so, so, so, soooooooo sexy. He has mutton chops, a glass eye, and wields an axe, but he’s so damn hot!

10. Sir Patrick Stewart

            Yep. I said it. Picard is hot. Don’t pretend you haven’t thought so, too. He hasn’t aged since 1987, he loves Shakespeare, and hello, that voice. Oh, Jean Luc! He’s my Captain, what can I say? I adore the man.

9. Michael Clarke Duncan

Also, best smile ever.

            Michael Clarke Duncan was a gorgeous, muscled mangod with one of the sexiest voices on the planet. He was even hot in Sin City with that random eye patch. He could have read Twilight out loud and it would still have been hot. Nuff said.

8. Ryan Reynolds

Oh, hi...

            Ryan Reynolds is hot to me for two reasons: His body and his sense of humour. The perfect movie to experience both of these fantastic traits: The Proposal. He is absolutely hilarious in it, and at one point he’s naked. Naked. There is a God.

7. Trent Reznor

.....................................yep.

            Admittedly he’s gotten thicker all around as men tend to do as they get older, but young Trent Reznor, ike 90s Trent Reznor…ohhhh dear sweet Zombie Jesus. Not only does he look like a hot Severus Snape (sorry, guys, Rickman isn’t on my list of sexy geriatrics), but the raw emotion in his singing voice is unprecedented. He also laid the groundwork for an amazing movement in popular music. Thank you, Trent Reznor…..damn, you’re sexy.            

Sexy Snape! Right?!

6. Tom Cruise

Or did we forget he looked like that?

            Yes, Tom Cruise. I don’t really give a shit about all the controversy surrounding him, and Scientology sounds no more manipulative or ridiculous than Christianity to me. Years of crazy does not change the fact that Tom Cruise is sexy. He was sexy from Legend and Mission: Impossible right to The Last Samurai, Knight and Day, and he’s still toned and fit at doing action movies at age 50. His smile is warm and infectious, especially in Vanilla Sky. Oh, and he was Lestat, lest we forget. Yes, actually Lestat, not that pathetic MTV joke that was Queen of the Damned (fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you Stuart Townsend!) Crazy or not, the man is gorgeous and, at least to me, he is extremely talented. He stars in a great deal of my favourite movies, a lot of them.

            And dammit, he was the only man ever able to pull of Lestat. Period.

Drink from me and live forever.

5. Bruce Willis

            I would marry this man. I don’t even need to elaborate, do I? Well, he has an amazing sense of humour, he seems to be a laid back and genuinely nice guy all around, he’s incredibly sexy at 57, and he’s John fucking McClane. God. Damn.

4. Cillian Murphy

            Oh, I burn, I pine, I perish.

            Cillian Murphy is sexy as a psychopath with a Frankenstein pen lodged in his throat. Cillian Murphy is sexy as a member of the IRA. Cillian Murphy is sexy as a hollow-eyed, rumpled madman wielding a Scarecrow mask. And…and he’s Irish. Like from Ireland Irish, not St Patty’ Day Irish. Can I keep him? Pretty pretty please? I promise I’ll be good! Okay, I can’t promise that.

3. Nero Bellum/Daniel Columbine

:dies:

            This one is a little awkward, not because Nero and Daniel are not as well-known as the others on this list, but because there’s no real celebrity wall there between them and me. Celebrities like Bruce Willis and Tom Cruise are easy to objectify, to use a strong word, because they’re so distant from all of us. You probably won’t run into them at the club one day. In fact, you’ll probably only see them on the silver screen or the red carpet. With these sexy boys, I know people who know them. Hell, The Boyfriend has met Nero a couple of times. If I had gone to the club Necto in Ann Arbor more often when I was in BG I probably would have run into Daniel Columbine myself. It’s a little harder to talk about how hot somebody is when you’re only one person away from knowing them yourself. I’m still going to rant about their attractiveness, but it’s strictly an attraction to their image, just like everybody else on the list, and with all due respect to their significant others and our mutual friends and acquaintances.

           

            Okay, glad that’s out of the way, because these guys are so. Fucking. Hot. I’ve already made multiple jokes about Nero’s hotness on this blog, and Daniel Columbine is right up there with him. I know not a lot of people are into the eyebrowless, kohl-smeared, talcum-powder-covered look, but God damn does it do it for me. These are the guys that largely inspired Demetrius’s overall look in my novel project (though Demetrius goes to the gym). Slender and pale, long limbs coated in liquid latex, tantalizingly placed tattoos (Nero’s stars, hello), and can we talk about musical talent? Nero’s Psyclon Nine is one of my favourite bands of all time, which is saying something, because I only have 3 all-time favourite bands, and the other two I grew up with. Daniel Columbine’s old project, Columbine, was dark and cruel and simply fantastic. Both bands inspire me, both in writing and in dance, and you can’t get much sexier than that.

            In conclusion…hot.

2. Heath Ledger

            The only reason Heath Ledger isn’t number 1 because he’s deceased. We all know my favourite role of his involves facial scars and smeared greasepaint, and ohhhh, yes, he is sexy in that role, but Ledger was a heartbreakingly beautiful person with a long, crooked smile and rumpled blonde hair. I can’t really watch Ten Things I Hate About You since his death. His face makes my heart hurt. He was a uniquely beautiful man, and an immensely talented man. And now I’m sad, so I’m moving on!

Yes, I am a freak. Like him.

1. Johnny Depp

                                     

            Johnny Depp is Edward Scissorhands. He’s Captain Jack Sparrow. He’s Cry-Baby and Don Juan DeMarco. Gilbert Grape. Raoul Duke. Donnie Brasco. Roux. I can’t think of a more beautiful man. I frequently joke that Johnny Depp is wine: He gets more and more attractive with age. In A Nightmare on Elm Street, he couldn’t have been older than 20 or 21, and he was very pretty with his little 80s man belly shirt and his full cheeks, but as the years have gone by, Depp’s face has changed beautifully. His cheekbones have gotten more defined, his Cupid’s bow lips seem fuller, he’s more toned in the way Angelina Jolie has become as she’s gotten older. He’s the only man I’ve ever seen who can pull off eyeliner with facial hair. Johnny Depp is a fucking god. He puts every single man on the red carpet today to shame. All hail Johnny Depp.

Favourite movie. Favourite character. I love you Edward!

            I’m your darling Dee, and I’ll be in my bunk.

(a lot of) Runners up:
Rick Genest: Zombie Boy. Hot. Obviously I’d be into that, But he’s also hot when makeup totally covers his tattoos. But yes. Hot.
Vin Diesel: His abs are the only reason I’d watch the Fast and the Furious movies.
Joseph Gordon Levitt: Didn’t have much interest in him until his amazing performance in Looper. But he’s more talent hot than physical hot to me. Except during his striptease on SNL. That was hot. And hilarious.
Leonardo DiCaprio: He was more attractive when he was younger (sorry, Leo!), but this is definitely another talent hot situation.
Rotny Ford: Along the line of Nero Bellum/Daniel Columbine. Ohhhh, purr. Purr.
Usher: Abs. And he sings. Singing abs. Rawr.
Justin Timberlake: I know, weird, right? I can’t explain it.
Neil Patrick Harris: He’s not even that attractive in the face, and yet…dude, he’s NPH.
Christian Bale: Only hot because of what an amazing thing he did after the Colorado shooting. Oh, he’s absolutely talent hot, but I just can’t be physically attracted to him after watching The Machinist.
James Franco: Pouty hot.
Jared Leto: Those eyes.

Men who aren’t anywhere near this list: Channing Tatum, Robert Pattison, Colin Farrell, Taylor Lautner (nope, not even his abs), Stuart Townsend, Daniel Radcliffe,  Shea Labeouf (when did people start thinking he was hot?), Russel Brand, Gerard Butler, anyone from the Disney Channel or Glee, and, of course, Ryan Gosling.

Top 5 Girl Crushes
Angelina Jolie
Mila Kunis
Marissa Tomei
Kate Beckinsale
Charlize Theron