"Spank Me!" Speaking Up About Sex.

Okay, kids, let’s talk about sex.

First off, if you’re a relative/conservative friend/coworker/brotherly figure of mine, I recommend skipping this particular blog post of mine for your own comfort. The rest of us will wait patiently while you make your decision.

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Are they all gone?

Okay, cool. Now, let’s talk about sex. We all know about it, if not do it regularly. It’s a subject of fascination and abhorrence in our society, though recently our conservative views on sex have begun to swing to a more open and understanding stance. In my personal opinion, we’re still way behind where we should be in acceptance of sexuality, but at least we’re making progress. A lot of progress, actually. For instance, I’m happily attending my aunt’s marriage to her girlfriend this weekend. There’s no way she could have had a wedding ceremony (though yes, I’m aware it’s not a legal marriage in Ohio) openly in the recent past. Non-heterosexuality has become more and more acceptable, largely thanks to my generation’s open nature.

And yet even as we become more and more okay with boys boinking boys and other “large” issues with sex, there are aspects of sex that we still refuse to discuss and that are taboo.  My biggest pet peeve: People don’t talk to each other about sex, even the people they’re having sex with. Especially people they’re having sex with.

I’ll use a friend of mine as an example. She’s a fresh-faced 18-year-old, and she lost her virginity to her current boyfriend.

You know what, dammit, I hate the term “lost her virginity.” It’s not like you’re in the bedroom and woops, wait, where’s my virginity? Shit, it was right here a second ago! Did it fall off the dresser? Check under the bed, would you? No. Having intercourse for the first time is a decision one makes, more often than not. And call me optimistic, but I don’t see it as something lost and gone forever. It’s just another experience in life, a way to get close to someone, or, to be crasser, a skill to sharpen or a way to feel good.

…Digression…

Back on track! The point is that my friend is new to sex. One day, I noticed something was bothering her. After pulling her aside for a girl-to-girl, she finally admitted that something was up in the bedroom.

“We were…you know…” she said awkwardly, “And then he just couldn’t…he couldn’t…” then she made a motion with her hands that was way more awkward than if she had just spit out the damn problem. She and her boyfriend were having sex one night, and he apparently had a hard time maintaining an erection.

Now those of us familiar with sex know that this happens to every guy for a variety of reasons, none of which having to do with their partner. Sometimes they’re just too stressed, have too much on their mind, or their bodies simply aren’t cooperating. Hell, they could’ve had a big meal and have trouble getting it up sometimes.

However, my friend didn’t know about this common occasional problem. Instead of talking to her boyfriend about it, she let it fester in her mind, turning it from a tiny genital malfunction to a problem with their relationship. She took it to mean that her boyfriend was getting sick of sex with her, that she was no longer attractive to him.

I talked her out of that absolutely ridiculous thought, but it got me thinking about communication in the bedroom, or lack thereof. I’m the unofficial sex therapist to a lot of my friends, and nearly all of their complaints can be boiled down to simply not talking to their significant others about what they like.

But rather than air out my friends’ dirty laundry (to quote Barney Stinson, “what up!”), let’s use me as an example. Again, if you’re any of the aforementioned awkward people, kindly stop reading this post, because here comes the awkward!

Anyway, as far as sex goes, I’m a little out of the norm. Not terribly so, but let’s just say if someone doesn’t have teeth or nail marks, it was probably a lame night. More often than not, sex is like a battle, and the person who ends up on top (again, what up!) fought like hell to get there. Also, after a string of total pussies and excessively boring partners, I’ve realized that I need a man as strong as I am in personality and most definitely in bed. The best example, since it was my longest sexual relationship, was my ex-fiancé. One look at him (he was covered in tattoos) and you’d think he was into a little rough sex, if not totally kinky, right? Yeah…wrong. To say that my sex life was dull is an elephantine understatement. Two years of fake orgasms after six minutes in Missionary does not a good sex life make. Thanks to that fiasco, I learned that I need an enthusiastic bed partner. Oh, and if your partner continually shoots down every attempt at even the tamest experimentation…throw his ass on the curb.

Needless to say, I’m sick of having a dull sex life, and I don’t wish a dull sex life on anyone. I’ve become more open to communicating my sexual preferences…hence, I guess, why I’m totally okay with posting them on a blog. But you know what I’ve noticed? My friends can talk to me for hours about sex; what they like, how/where/when they like it, but they won’t say a damn thing to their partners. Not a single word! What the hell?

I guess my question is, why the hell can’t we talk to our partners about sex? I mean, I guess I understand; opening up about sexual preferences, especially if they deviate from “vanilla sex”, makes people feel vulnerable and yes, they could fear rejection. But…dude, you’re naked with them! You’re all up in their naughty bits! You’re already vulnerable, and you’re obviously not being rejected.  Speak up!

Look, in all seriousness, I know talking about sex is awkward. But I also know that boring sex fucking sucks, no matter how much you love your partner. I’m not telling you to write out a contract, but at least call out a few orders. Just little things, like “right there!” or “harder!” As Dr. Unofficial Sex Therapist, I can’t tell you how many of my guy friends have complained to me about how quiet their girlfriends are in bed. They’re not asking for a porn script, but they at least want to know if their girlfriends are enjoying themselves. Come on, girls. Men pride themselves on how well they can get women off—take advantage of that! Not to mention, most men find women who are vocal in bed a huge turn-on. This might be more TMI, but one of my previous partners mentioned that my telling him to bite me harder was insanely hot. Win win!

In short, guys, your partners don’t have ESP. They can’t read your mind or know intuitively what you like. If you’re not getting what you want out of sex, speak up! Bite me! Spank me! Harder! Faster! Seriously, just do it!

…that last one wasn’t one of them. That was just me reiterating the need to speak up.

There are times when two people come together, and the sex is perfect without saying a word. If that’s the way it is for you every time, then dude, you’re my new god. But chances are you and your partner are mere mortals, and sometimes a little nudge in the right direction is needed. Don’t resign yourself to boring or awkward sex because you’re afraid to bring up that you want to take charge for the night, or if you like to be tied up occasionally, or that you like being beaten with a cat-of-nine-tails with Barbie dolls on the tips while wearing pink hot pants and a Carrot Top wig.

Okay. You may want to keep that last one to yourself.