Pregnancy Logs: Don't Neglect Dad. Featuring: Hubby!

Courtesy of https://www.betterthanpants.com/dad-to-be-loading-expectant-father-t-shirt

           I am honoured to introduce an esteemed guest to my blog: My amazing husband! He felt it was important to give his opinions on a phenomenon he's been experiencing during our pregnancy. Enjoy!

            Hello everyone. I often make appearances in Dee’s blog, but at this moment I feel that I need to contribute and send my voice out into the depth of the interwebs. As many of you know, my wife and I are going to be having twins. I can barely contain my excitement, not that I really do. I cannot wait to be a father and everything that comes with it. I know that with our future children I want to be as involved as I can be with every aspect of their existence. That being said, I also want to be involved in the process of the pregnancy. I have been to all of the doctor’s appointments I could, I am reading my books, and taking care of Dee when she isn’t having a good day, or has different concerns about the pregnancy. By being so involved so early, I have noticed a few things about being an involved father-to-be. Where there is excitement surrounding the coming of the new terrors as a father, I have also found that society lumps me into certain expectations and a category of my own concerning the pregnancy. Mostly it is being neglected during the pregnancy.

            I say that I am neglected by society meaning that, and understandably, the focus is put on the mother and the growing babies. With that comes a lot of pressure placed on mom to be able to handle everything. This is where I feel left out. I am very involved in the process of the pregnancy, which means I have been reading my books, been going to doctor visits and being around for my wife and helping with her concerns and elations. I have been a part of conversations where  all questions and topics are directed towards my wife and I am left there sitting in silence. I don’t like interjecting into conversations, but it is rough when I just sit there wanting to contribute to the conversational content but I am either brushed off or at times feel like a child who wants to show what they have and get the pat on the head with the nonchalant “oh, that’s nice” response.  When someone asks about the pregnancy one of the first questions is, “How is she doing?” or “How are the babies?” To this day I can probably count on one hand the amount of times that I have been asked how I am doing.  I am not saying that people should ask less about Dee and the babies, or to not worry about her. I am saying that I would like to be included in conversations because I do know what I am talking about and it would be nice to talk about how I am feeling and what I think about all of this. 

           I am beyond excited to be having children. I love watching Dee’s belly grow each week and finding out all of the facts about our babies’ health, size, development, and everything that has to do with them. I am feeling overwhelmed with the planning and preparation we have to go through to get ready for delivery and actually bringing them home. Sometimes I am stressed because of everything life is throwing at me and the newfound responsibility I have to shoulder. But I am with such an amazing partner that any stress or feeling of being overwhelmed is easily soothed, because I am so happy with the love of my life and we are starting a new chapter in our life-long adventure. There isn’t much I can do during the pregnancy other than support my wife in any way she needs, while letting her still be independent and not baby her.

            I think society has a hang up on the father’s involvement because we aren’t actually carrying the child while they are developing, so they immediately direct any and all baby questions to the mother. While I have been present for many doctor visits and have read my books I am a silent figure because I am seen as one who wouldn’t have anything worthwhile to contribute or the things discussed don’t have anything to do with me or  something I wouldn’t need to be concerned with. This I believe is because there are more than a few stereotypes that fathers are subject to.

            Stereotypes are everywhere and yes, they still suck. I am noticing another area of stereotypes that I could be incorrectly categorized into because, well, that’s how stereotypes work. They're assumptions based on preconceived notions about a particular group. There are quite a few stereotypes that fathers get placed into by people and quite frankly, I couldn’t be more different from them. To simplify the stereotypes, I have come up with two groups that most of them fall under throughout the course of the pregnancy, child birth, and rearing.

            The first group is the stereotype of the fathers that couldn’t care less. This entails the view that fathers go to work and come home while still expecting their pregnant partner to handle the pregnancy by themselves and maintain the household; e.g. cooking, cleaning, laundry, and the like. They will also still go out with the boys or relax on the couch all night with little consideration of what their partner wants. This stereotype I will deem “Bro-Dads.” This stereotype is old fashioned and misogynistic. It separates the wonderful occurrence of bringing children into the world into “the woman’s job” which is to cook, clean, and maintain the house, while also feeding, cleaning, and raising the children, while also somehow finding the time and energy to maintain herself and be pleasing to her partner. The man is to do “his” jobs like go to work, relax, drink, and go out, yard work, be the disciplinarian, and remain aloof. These “Bro-Dads” or “Dad-Bros” whatever you would like to call them are the part of the reason why society in a majority doesn’t include fathers in the pregnancy all that often. 

            To counter the aloof “Bro-Dad,” there is the polar opposite stereotype. These fathers treat their pregnant partner like a delicate flower, a sacred vessel, so fragile that a light breeze will shatter them. These dads drown themselves in the responsibility of taking care of everything from the household chores, to getting every little thing that their partner requires. These dads would probably go to the bathroom for their partner if they could. We will call these dads “Prince Overbearing.” This group is also misogynistic in the sense that they are treating women as if they cannot fend for themselves and shouldn’t do anything because they are carrying the “miracle of life.” While they are growing a new life form and the process of pregnancy is extremely emotionally and physically taxing, they are resilient and powerful individuals, they are fully capable of carrying the groceries, getting off the couch to get something to eat or drink, changing the TV channel, and making their own decisions. While that foot/back rub is much appreciated, being a mother hen is probably adding more stress onto the future mother because it could make her feel more useless than she is probably already feeling because so much of her body is changing and she is finding some tasks a little harder than normal.

            Personally, I don’t find myself fitting into any of these stereotypes. I am beyond excited for this pregnancy and I love being involved as much as I am. I couldn’t imagine not being involved in any part of my wife’s or future children’s lives. I am not breathing down Dee’s neck or hovering over her like an over eager butler ready to meet her every whim, nor am I aloof and spending my time sitting on the couch while Dee does all the work around the house. I love spending time with my wife. I love going out pretty much anywhere doing anything with her and even if it is just sitting at home for the day. I love just hanging out with her. If she asks me to do something I have no problem getting up and doing it or having something taken care of when she gets home from work, like having the dogs bathed, or doing the laundry or dishes or what have you. Dee is very capable of doing any of those things but the further along in the pregnancy the harder some of those things can be so I have a little more responsibility to help her. It doesn’t mean that for every single little thing I am leaping out of my seat to do it for her, I am just picking up a little more responsibility. I also know that my health, physical and mental, is important to making it through all of this together with my wife. So on occasion I do take time to myself to have a beer, play games, or hang out with my friends. 

           To new dads, find a balance where you are helping out and picking up that extra responsibility, but also find time for yourself so you stay sane throughout the process of the pregnancy. I may have words on staying sane while being a parent, but we will all have to wait on that.