New Year, New Resolutions
So.
2017.
…
Woof.
When brainstorming for key words with which to describe the year we just survived, three come to mind: Fear, horror, and helplessness.
This year, we Americans saw the ugliness our country has been keeping under its bed. More of us than ever understand just what aspects of our lives are ruled over by our government, and it’s more than most of us realized. We watched sycophantic, money-grubbing worms systematically pick away at our rights and the rights of our marginalized brothers and sisters. We watched our “President” embarrass our country on the global stage over. And over. And over. And over again. And we know that this is just the beginning, that the laws signed in this year, the environmental and economic safety nets ripped to pieces, and the action and inaction of those in power to various major crises, haven’t even made their impact yet. I face 2018 with dread, knowing that we will begin to see the effects of all of this begin to permeate our lives, knowing that they will affect our country for decades to come. My mantra has become November 6, 2018, November 6, 2018, but in truth, I hold little hope that Democrats can take enough seats in the House or Senate to begin to end this nightmare. In 2017, I realized the fragility of our country’s safety and well-being, the lengths to which people will go to hold onto power and wealth, and just how helpless we are to rein in the monsters controlling our country. I realized how trapped I truly am in this country; that it’s almost impossible to ‘just leave’ without wealth or exceptional job skills.
Anyway…after that little paragraph…
2017 was a rough one for my personal life as well. Some of it was due to mental health, some of it was physical health, and some of it was just bad life luck. There were high points, of course; like publishing my first novel and moving to our favourite street in Lakewood; but overall, 2017 was a rough one.
In the spirit of focusing on the things in life we can control, my resolutions list for 2018 is very dynamic and a bit more ambitious than last year, focused on garnering healthy habits and investing in my personal happiness, as much as I can. But let’s see how I did this year.
Also, sorry this intro was such a fucking downer.
2017 Resolutions Check-in:
1. 3 meatless meals a week, 1 being vegan.
Um…check, I think? I’m not one for meal tracking, especially not for an entire year. I know that we bought very little meat this year, ate way more plant-based meals, and added 2 more vegan cookbooks to our library. Other than my sugar addiction, I did a really good job eating healthy this year. I may not have eaten purely vegan every single week, but because I significantly reduced my intake of animal-based products overall, I’m counting it as a win.
2. Exercise and meditate regularly.
Meditate: Check! This year, I discovered a meditation app called Headspace, and it is a total game-changer. Inspiring, encouraging, and addictive, Headspace is amazing. Their Basics series are what finally, after years of trying, got meditation to “click” for me. I can’t recommend it enough. It costs money, but it has been worth every penny for me. Their SOS meditations—little 3-minute “emergency” meditations for hard moments—have prevented many panic attacks and breakdowns; things I simply couldn’t stop before.
Exercise: Ummm. About that. This was an incredibly inconsistent year for exercise for me, and I’m not really sure what to blame. Sometimes I was feeling lazy, sometimes we couldn’t get to the gym, sometimes we were both exhausted from work or stretched for time. I did yoga every morning for a few weeks out of nowhere, but that was the most consistently I’d exercised this entire year. I wish I had a clear explanation, but sadly, I don’t.
3. DANCE. Perform at least once this year.
Fail. I am consistently failing with my dance goals every single year, and it’s scaring me. I love to dance. I love to perform. I feel guilty when I haven’t danced in a while, and I ache to perform. But I’ve always struggled to motivate myself to dance without being part of a troupe. I’m a solitary artist in every way but dance. For me, dance is a team sport. I need to be in a tribe of like-minded creatures with goals and deadlines, rehearsals and events. Sadly, no such community exists for me here. One looked promising this fall, but it ended up being too expensive for my poor ass to handle. Not gonna lie, dear readers. This one hurts.
4. Work on the first draft of a new writing project.
Check…? A little? I worked on Eden here and there in short bursts, but I have to be honest: Publishing Twenty-One took all of my writing mojo this year. Technically I won this one because I did work on Eden, but I worked on it far less than I would have liked.
5. Knit Josh something more complicated.
Check and check! I discovered loom knitting this year, which is a ton of fun and pretty much idiot-proof. I made Josh a hat in a week. I made a hat! WOO! I also made a mug cozy that cups the entire underside of a mug, but it didn’t quite fit any of Josh’s mugs. But hey, I made it, and it’s more complicated than anything I made before. Yay!
6. Crochet a thing.
Nope. Total fail. I have no idea why crochet is so difficult for me, but mean, I can’t get the hang of it. I may need a crochet sensei or something. Maybe next year!
7. Regularly donate to something that is trying to help this world.
I did this as regularly as my budget would allow. I donated to both Planned Parenthood and the ACLU this year, as well as a number of sporadic campaigns and programs whenever I could. I wish I could have done more, but I did the best I could with the little money I make.
8. Keep the apartment “drop-in ready.”
Uh…hit and miss here. I had months where I was on top of cleaning and everything looked nice, and I had months where I let things go. My mental health issues played a big role in my inability to hit this mark, but it was also due to keeping up old habits, like procrastinating with laundry. Mad at myself about this one, but there was at least a little progress. Baby steps.
9. Start a sleep ritual.
Check, late in the year, for the most part! This was shaky, but after I did a few weeks of “hyper-scheduling,” I actually got on a consistent schedule! I woke no later than 8am and went to bed no later than 11 for a good few months. My “ritual” was a loose one, as much as I wanted to make it stricter. Around 9 or 10, I wound down. I read or knitted for an hour or so and made sure I went to bed on time. I’m currently a little off-kilter due to holiday travelling, but I finally discovered that I can, in fact, sleep like a human.
10. Stay sane inside insanity.
Fail. Completely. Completely failed this one. For most of the year, I glued myself to the news and freaked the fuck out. My personal tragedies and bad events made it even worse. I’m ending 2017 exactly how I’d feared I would: My GAD is almost as bad as it was when I was an undiagnosed child, and my depression hits brutally and without warning. My marriage hasn’t suffered, thankfully, I’ve been able to keep at least that sane, but guys, I am off the rails. I need help.
So, overall it was a pretty successful year, resolutions-wise. As I said, my resolutions this year are more focused on bettering myself and, in ways, distracting myself from what I can’t control. So, here we go!
DEE'S 2018 RESOLUTIONS
1. Go 99% vegetarian (and a wee bit vegan.)
I had originally planned to become a vegetarian gradually over the next five years, but my diet has naturally shifted away from meat with far more ease than I’d suspected, so fuck it, I’m just going to do it! I’m putting myself at 99% vegetarian in 2018, rather than 100%, for a number of reasons. As a dago, there are a few family recipes that I simply will not alter, like my Grandmother’s sauce, that require meat, for example. I’d also give my friends/family who eat with me or cook for me a bit of time to ease into the change, as well. As for the wee bit vegan—it is my ultimate food goal to become 80-90% vegan, but I also know just how incredibly difficult that can be, so I’m going to dip one toe in at a time and give myself a good many years to slowly belly-crawl to that point. For many people, the sticking point for veganism is cheese—“I could never give up cheese!”—but for me, it’s milk (and cream.) I’ve been a milk baby all my life. It will probably be the very last animal-based thing I give up, if I ever completely do.
2. See a therapist and get a lock on my mental health.
As I mentioned in my 2017 recap, I have almost completely lost my grip on my GAD, and my Depression (I always wonder if I should capitalize that) isn’t much better. A lot happened this year, both personal and…global/political/etc…that caused the huge crack in my armor against my brain, and I really don’t think I can fix it on my own. When December passes and all of the professionals are back from their holiday vacations, I will begin the search for a psychiatrist.
3. Complete Eden (…okay, maybe another draft…ooor maybe finish it…?)
Twenty-One is published. It’s sitting pretty on Amazon and on the bookshelves of friends and family. I am content, and I am proud of myself. This was my one great accomplishment in 2017. Moreover, after six fucking years of working on it, I can finally, finally, finally let Twenty-One go. Demetrius’ voice is finally out of my head. Chloe’s story has finally released me. It’s time to start something new, in earnest, and for the love of sweet zombie Jesus, I refuse to take six years to write something ever again.
Eden is an idea I’ve been bouncing around in my head since high school. I experimented with its world in short story form in college, and I even wrote a first draft of it in less than 30 days, completing Nanowrimo for the first time. Understandably, that first draft is the hottest mess I’ve ever created, but the foundation of the story is solid. It might be one of the hardest projects I’ve ever had to write. There is a lot of world-building involved, and I’m not very good with world-building. I prefer to stay in modern times and focus on character. But as Twenty-One was a challenge for me in writing sex scenes, Eden will be a new challenge for my author brain. As Demetrius and Chloe move out of my head, Lucifer, Adam, and Eve slowly creep in, and I’m excited. Bring it on.
4. Try Poetry.
Confession: I suck at poetry. Like, emo-high-school-kid level of suck. I have no true understanding of the craft of poetry, no grasp of method or technique. But when I read poets I love—Keats, Berryman, Plath, nothing fancy—they make me want to understand poetry better. So in 2018, I’m going to try my hand at writing poetry. I doubt I will share it with anyone, ever, but it will be a nice step outside of my writing comfort zone.
5. More Photography.
Simple and self-explanatory. I love photography. Due to my inability to work with models I don’t know (I’m too shy, insecure, and unprofessional,) photography fell a bit by the wayside in 2017. I’d like to keep up the practice, even if it’s just bullying friends to model for me, self-portraits, still-life, or even the dogs.
6. 1-minute video of choreography/improv a month.
Now to try an even different approach to motivating me to dance. Performing just may not be in the cards for a while, so I decided to set a tiny goal for myself that will keep me dancing. I have to believe that I can pull 1 minute of choreography or improv out of my ass. It might be raw and ugly, but it will keep dancing in my head. Plus, my Facebook friends get to see me wriggle awkwardly for a camera. Fun for everyone.
7. Start a side hustle.
I love my job at a little tea shop in town. I love it so much that I’m determined to keep it in the face of…well, not making much money. In order to better pull my financial weight, I’m determined to start some sort of side hustle this year. I’m not sure what it’s going to be, but I’ve got more than a few ideas brewing, so stay tuned.
8. Limit social media time/don’t shoot unarmed men.
Let me explain. Limiting my time on social media is pretty self-explanatory, and there isn’t much on which for me to elaborate: We all know we’re way too addicted to social media these days, and we all know the psychological toll it takes on us, no matter what our dopamine receptors think. I love Facebook, but I need to stop scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling. I will keep fairly active by way of posts on Instagram and sharing things on Facebook, but I plan to stop checking my phone every few minutes for notifications, plan to stop scrolling down my newsfeed.
Now for the seemingly weird part of this one.
I get into social media arguments far more than I like to. I just can’t help it. There’s a certain level of stupidity that I just can’t look past. I have to say something. And I end up getting into fights with idiots I don’t even know who can’t or won’t understand facts. Nothing is accomplished and I log off angrier and more stressed out. There is no point to it. I enjoy a good debate and even disagreements, provided all parties are well-informed, but for the sake of my sanity, I have to stop arguing with people who are intellectually deficient or deliberately ignorant. I can’t do it anymore. This is arrogant as fuck, but I don’t care: Me arguing with stupid people (whether they’re unintentionally or deliberately stupid) is me metaphorically shooting unarmed men. They’re bringing a mental toothpick into battle, and I have a machine gun (of SCIENCE!) There is no point. There is no point in fighting with people who refuse to stop regurgitating the same old arguments that have been disproven countless times. So I’m done. I’m done taking the bait. If someone still uses the term “flipping burgers” in a discussion about minimum wage, they’re not smart enough for me to engage with. If someone scoffs about “personal responsibility” or “earning your way” in a discussion about healthcare as a human right, they’re too stupid to bother talking to. Period. I don’t care if they can’t understand or they won’t. Either way, they’re idiots, and I’m done. I’m more than happy to educate, to debate amongst informed parties (including those legitimately open to hearing an opposing perspective,) but I’m done with the morons who vomit patently false Fox News sound bites I’ve heard five hundred thousand times and expect me to engage with them. Fuck you morons. Come back when you’re informed or continue steeping in your marinade of false narratives for your fragile little worldviews. Friend or family member, I’m done. You are not smart enough for me to bother with.
9. Start a family.
Yep. It’s officially time. Cross your fingers for us.
So, here’s to 2017: A nightmare with precious few bright spots. I truly hope I’m wrong about 2018 being just as bad, if not worse. I truly do. Either way, I’ll be doing my best to focus on what I can control, on what I can change, and on what I can create.
Happy New Year, my beloved invisible readers.
2017.
…
Woof.
When brainstorming for key words with which to describe the year we just survived, three come to mind: Fear, horror, and helplessness.
This year, we Americans saw the ugliness our country has been keeping under its bed. More of us than ever understand just what aspects of our lives are ruled over by our government, and it’s more than most of us realized. We watched sycophantic, money-grubbing worms systematically pick away at our rights and the rights of our marginalized brothers and sisters. We watched our “President” embarrass our country on the global stage over. And over. And over. And over again. And we know that this is just the beginning, that the laws signed in this year, the environmental and economic safety nets ripped to pieces, and the action and inaction of those in power to various major crises, haven’t even made their impact yet. I face 2018 with dread, knowing that we will begin to see the effects of all of this begin to permeate our lives, knowing that they will affect our country for decades to come. My mantra has become November 6, 2018, November 6, 2018, but in truth, I hold little hope that Democrats can take enough seats in the House or Senate to begin to end this nightmare. In 2017, I realized the fragility of our country’s safety and well-being, the lengths to which people will go to hold onto power and wealth, and just how helpless we are to rein in the monsters controlling our country. I realized how trapped I truly am in this country; that it’s almost impossible to ‘just leave’ without wealth or exceptional job skills.
Anyway…after that little paragraph…
2017 was a rough one for my personal life as well. Some of it was due to mental health, some of it was physical health, and some of it was just bad life luck. There were high points, of course; like publishing my first novel and moving to our favourite street in Lakewood; but overall, 2017 was a rough one.
In the spirit of focusing on the things in life we can control, my resolutions list for 2018 is very dynamic and a bit more ambitious than last year, focused on garnering healthy habits and investing in my personal happiness, as much as I can. But let’s see how I did this year.
Also, sorry this intro was such a fucking downer.
2017 Resolutions Check-in:
1. 3 meatless meals a week, 1 being vegan.
Um…check, I think? I’m not one for meal tracking, especially not for an entire year. I know that we bought very little meat this year, ate way more plant-based meals, and added 2 more vegan cookbooks to our library. Other than my sugar addiction, I did a really good job eating healthy this year. I may not have eaten purely vegan every single week, but because I significantly reduced my intake of animal-based products overall, I’m counting it as a win.
2. Exercise and meditate regularly.
Meditate: Check! This year, I discovered a meditation app called Headspace, and it is a total game-changer. Inspiring, encouraging, and addictive, Headspace is amazing. Their Basics series are what finally, after years of trying, got meditation to “click” for me. I can’t recommend it enough. It costs money, but it has been worth every penny for me. Their SOS meditations—little 3-minute “emergency” meditations for hard moments—have prevented many panic attacks and breakdowns; things I simply couldn’t stop before.
Exercise: Ummm. About that. This was an incredibly inconsistent year for exercise for me, and I’m not really sure what to blame. Sometimes I was feeling lazy, sometimes we couldn’t get to the gym, sometimes we were both exhausted from work or stretched for time. I did yoga every morning for a few weeks out of nowhere, but that was the most consistently I’d exercised this entire year. I wish I had a clear explanation, but sadly, I don’t.
3. DANCE. Perform at least once this year.
Fail. I am consistently failing with my dance goals every single year, and it’s scaring me. I love to dance. I love to perform. I feel guilty when I haven’t danced in a while, and I ache to perform. But I’ve always struggled to motivate myself to dance without being part of a troupe. I’m a solitary artist in every way but dance. For me, dance is a team sport. I need to be in a tribe of like-minded creatures with goals and deadlines, rehearsals and events. Sadly, no such community exists for me here. One looked promising this fall, but it ended up being too expensive for my poor ass to handle. Not gonna lie, dear readers. This one hurts.
4. Work on the first draft of a new writing project.
Check…? A little? I worked on Eden here and there in short bursts, but I have to be honest: Publishing Twenty-One took all of my writing mojo this year. Technically I won this one because I did work on Eden, but I worked on it far less than I would have liked.
5. Knit Josh something more complicated.
Check and check! I discovered loom knitting this year, which is a ton of fun and pretty much idiot-proof. I made Josh a hat in a week. I made a hat! WOO! I also made a mug cozy that cups the entire underside of a mug, but it didn’t quite fit any of Josh’s mugs. But hey, I made it, and it’s more complicated than anything I made before. Yay!
6. Crochet a thing.
Nope. Total fail. I have no idea why crochet is so difficult for me, but mean, I can’t get the hang of it. I may need a crochet sensei or something. Maybe next year!
7. Regularly donate to something that is trying to help this world.
I did this as regularly as my budget would allow. I donated to both Planned Parenthood and the ACLU this year, as well as a number of sporadic campaigns and programs whenever I could. I wish I could have done more, but I did the best I could with the little money I make.
8. Keep the apartment “drop-in ready.”
Uh…hit and miss here. I had months where I was on top of cleaning and everything looked nice, and I had months where I let things go. My mental health issues played a big role in my inability to hit this mark, but it was also due to keeping up old habits, like procrastinating with laundry. Mad at myself about this one, but there was at least a little progress. Baby steps.
9. Start a sleep ritual.
Check, late in the year, for the most part! This was shaky, but after I did a few weeks of “hyper-scheduling,” I actually got on a consistent schedule! I woke no later than 8am and went to bed no later than 11 for a good few months. My “ritual” was a loose one, as much as I wanted to make it stricter. Around 9 or 10, I wound down. I read or knitted for an hour or so and made sure I went to bed on time. I’m currently a little off-kilter due to holiday travelling, but I finally discovered that I can, in fact, sleep like a human.
10. Stay sane inside insanity.
Fail. Completely. Completely failed this one. For most of the year, I glued myself to the news and freaked the fuck out. My personal tragedies and bad events made it even worse. I’m ending 2017 exactly how I’d feared I would: My GAD is almost as bad as it was when I was an undiagnosed child, and my depression hits brutally and without warning. My marriage hasn’t suffered, thankfully, I’ve been able to keep at least that sane, but guys, I am off the rails. I need help.
So, overall it was a pretty successful year, resolutions-wise. As I said, my resolutions this year are more focused on bettering myself and, in ways, distracting myself from what I can’t control. So, here we go!
DEE'S 2018 RESOLUTIONS
1. Go 99% vegetarian (and a wee bit vegan.)
I had originally planned to become a vegetarian gradually over the next five years, but my diet has naturally shifted away from meat with far more ease than I’d suspected, so fuck it, I’m just going to do it! I’m putting myself at 99% vegetarian in 2018, rather than 100%, for a number of reasons. As a dago, there are a few family recipes that I simply will not alter, like my Grandmother’s sauce, that require meat, for example. I’d also give my friends/family who eat with me or cook for me a bit of time to ease into the change, as well. As for the wee bit vegan—it is my ultimate food goal to become 80-90% vegan, but I also know just how incredibly difficult that can be, so I’m going to dip one toe in at a time and give myself a good many years to slowly belly-crawl to that point. For many people, the sticking point for veganism is cheese—“I could never give up cheese!”—but for me, it’s milk (and cream.) I’ve been a milk baby all my life. It will probably be the very last animal-based thing I give up, if I ever completely do.
2. See a therapist and get a lock on my mental health.
 |
| I'm sorry. I had to. I laughed too hard. |
As I mentioned in my 2017 recap, I have almost completely lost my grip on my GAD, and my Depression (I always wonder if I should capitalize that) isn’t much better. A lot happened this year, both personal and…global/political/etc…that caused the huge crack in my armor against my brain, and I really don’t think I can fix it on my own. When December passes and all of the professionals are back from their holiday vacations, I will begin the search for a psychiatrist.
Twenty-One is published. It’s sitting pretty on Amazon and on the bookshelves of friends and family. I am content, and I am proud of myself. This was my one great accomplishment in 2017. Moreover, after six fucking years of working on it, I can finally, finally, finally let Twenty-One go. Demetrius’ voice is finally out of my head. Chloe’s story has finally released me. It’s time to start something new, in earnest, and for the love of sweet zombie Jesus, I refuse to take six years to write something ever again.
Eden is an idea I’ve been bouncing around in my head since high school. I experimented with its world in short story form in college, and I even wrote a first draft of it in less than 30 days, completing Nanowrimo for the first time. Understandably, that first draft is the hottest mess I’ve ever created, but the foundation of the story is solid. It might be one of the hardest projects I’ve ever had to write. There is a lot of world-building involved, and I’m not very good with world-building. I prefer to stay in modern times and focus on character. But as Twenty-One was a challenge for me in writing sex scenes, Eden will be a new challenge for my author brain. As Demetrius and Chloe move out of my head, Lucifer, Adam, and Eve slowly creep in, and I’m excited. Bring it on.
4. Try Poetry.
Confession: I suck at poetry. Like, emo-high-school-kid level of suck. I have no true understanding of the craft of poetry, no grasp of method or technique. But when I read poets I love—Keats, Berryman, Plath, nothing fancy—they make me want to understand poetry better. So in 2018, I’m going to try my hand at writing poetry. I doubt I will share it with anyone, ever, but it will be a nice step outside of my writing comfort zone.
5. More Photography.
 |
| Couldn't find the source, dammit. |
Simple and self-explanatory. I love photography. Due to my inability to work with models I don’t know (I’m too shy, insecure, and unprofessional,) photography fell a bit by the wayside in 2017. I’d like to keep up the practice, even if it’s just bullying friends to model for me, self-portraits, still-life, or even the dogs.
6. 1-minute video of choreography/improv a month.
 |
| Source: Cuesandtattoos.com and Mardi Love |
Now to try an even different approach to motivating me to dance. Performing just may not be in the cards for a while, so I decided to set a tiny goal for myself that will keep me dancing. I have to believe that I can pull 1 minute of choreography or improv out of my ass. It might be raw and ugly, but it will keep dancing in my head. Plus, my Facebook friends get to see me wriggle awkwardly for a camera. Fun for everyone.
7. Start a side hustle.
I love my job at a little tea shop in town. I love it so much that I’m determined to keep it in the face of…well, not making much money. In order to better pull my financial weight, I’m determined to start some sort of side hustle this year. I’m not sure what it’s going to be, but I’ve got more than a few ideas brewing, so stay tuned.
8. Limit social media time/don’t shoot unarmed men.
Let me explain. Limiting my time on social media is pretty self-explanatory, and there isn’t much on which for me to elaborate: We all know we’re way too addicted to social media these days, and we all know the psychological toll it takes on us, no matter what our dopamine receptors think. I love Facebook, but I need to stop scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling. I will keep fairly active by way of posts on Instagram and sharing things on Facebook, but I plan to stop checking my phone every few minutes for notifications, plan to stop scrolling down my newsfeed.
Now for the seemingly weird part of this one.
I get into social media arguments far more than I like to. I just can’t help it. There’s a certain level of stupidity that I just can’t look past. I have to say something. And I end up getting into fights with idiots I don’t even know who can’t or won’t understand facts. Nothing is accomplished and I log off angrier and more stressed out. There is no point to it. I enjoy a good debate and even disagreements, provided all parties are well-informed, but for the sake of my sanity, I have to stop arguing with people who are intellectually deficient or deliberately ignorant. I can’t do it anymore. This is arrogant as fuck, but I don’t care: Me arguing with stupid people (whether they’re unintentionally or deliberately stupid) is me metaphorically shooting unarmed men. They’re bringing a mental toothpick into battle, and I have a machine gun (of SCIENCE!) There is no point. There is no point in fighting with people who refuse to stop regurgitating the same old arguments that have been disproven countless times. So I’m done. I’m done taking the bait. If someone still uses the term “flipping burgers” in a discussion about minimum wage, they’re not smart enough for me to engage with. If someone scoffs about “personal responsibility” or “earning your way” in a discussion about healthcare as a human right, they’re too stupid to bother talking to. Period. I don’t care if they can’t understand or they won’t. Either way, they’re idiots, and I’m done. I’m more than happy to educate, to debate amongst informed parties (including those legitimately open to hearing an opposing perspective,) but I’m done with the morons who vomit patently false Fox News sound bites I’ve heard five hundred thousand times and expect me to engage with them. Fuck you morons. Come back when you’re informed or continue steeping in your marinade of false narratives for your fragile little worldviews. Friend or family member, I’m done. You are not smart enough for me to bother with.
9. Start a family.
Yep. It’s officially time. Cross your fingers for us.
So, here’s to 2017: A nightmare with precious few bright spots. I truly hope I’m wrong about 2018 being just as bad, if not worse. I truly do. Either way, I’ll be doing my best to focus on what I can control, on what I can change, and on what I can create.
Happy New Year, my beloved invisible readers.
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