Boring and Serious, but Short.

Yes, again, I’m a bad, bad blog neglector. But these past couple of weeks have moved pretty fast for me, so scold me later.

This is going to be a serious and boring blog post, but a short one. I promise I’ll be more entertaining on Thursday.

First of all, Happy Halloween/happy birthday to me!  I couldn’t be luckier to have my bday on Halloween. Not only does it fit me perfectly (I mean, come on…look at me,) but Halloween is the absolute best time to have a birthday. It’s a big holiday that a ton of people celebrate, but it’s not so big that it overshadows your birthday, like Christmas.

Anyway, for some reason, November has always been a very creative and proactive month for me. I have absolutely no idea why; something about November just kicks me into overdrive.  I’m writing constantly, I start knitting or messing around with Photoshop, I figure out belly dance choreographies, and I do yoga all the time.

Knowing this about myself, I’ve decided to harness this November energy to make some significant changes in my life, a sort of second New Years. This year, I have four things I’m going to do. The first and biggest is the fact that I’ve decided to move to Chicago in August, and I’m going to start saving up for the big move. I’ll probably discuss that a little later.

The second is that I’m going to do my own version of NanoWrimo and write very day. November is National Novel Writing Month, or NanoWrimo.  The challenge is to write a novel in a month. Now, I have a little too much going on to tackle a novel in a month, so I do my own version of NanoWrimo. I sit down and write every day, as much as I possibly can. For those of you who are more curious about NanoWrimo, check out their site.

The third is that I’m starting a pretty serious belly dance and yoga regiment for myself. Nothing particularly interesting to say about that…I’m focusing on serpentine/liquid movements with sharp staccato contrasts, body toning, flexibility, and calming meditation.

Yup…I’m sure you all wanted to hear about that.

The fourth and final task to perform in November is to put a decision into motion in earnest. I’m going to bury my heart.

To explain that, I have to explain something else first.  About seven or eight months ago, I started developing feelings for somebody. Since then those feelings have progressed and deepened…which has been extremely unfortunate for me. He has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. None. Honestly, that’s the toughest thing. Unrequited feelings are excruciating.  But even if he did have feelings for me, the painfully honest truth is that he is not right for me. Yep…he has übermensch qualities. For those of you who’ve read my übermensch post, he’s more Erik than, say, Nero Bellum.  He’s restless, emotionally…let’s say turbulent…discontent, overly idealistic, and non self-cognizant.  Now in my defense, I’m attracted to his positive qualities, like his outgoing personality and the fact that he actually intellectually stimulates me (what up!), but his negatives and my negatives combined make for a very chaotic relationship.

Despite my knowing both of these factors, my feelings have persisted, which is obnoxious and painful.  In spite of my feelings, I’ve done my rounds in the dating world this year and a half I’ve been single…and been stood up twice, stalked twice, been called a “cock-teasing cunt,” and been so bored by awkward small talk that I seriously began to consider jamming a fork into my thigh to distract myself from the pain.

I’ve also come to realize that the very thought of being in a relationship makes me cringe.  Walking my friends through their various relationship bumps, all of which every couple goes through, made me aware that there is no freaking way I want to go through it again, at least not right now. Thinking about the communication snafus, the emotional hoops, the ruts, all of the little troubles in a relationship just makes me cringe. After meditating on it, I realized that all I really miss from a relationship is the physical intimacy. Not sex, mind you, but just the romantic touching that couples do all the time. You know, having someone to sleep next to, someone stroking the side of your face, playing with your hair, things like that.

I feel like I should miss more than just tactile intimacy if I really wanted a relationship. And my feelings for intellectual-but-tumultuous-and-not-interested guy (I know, catchy, right?) basically proves that at this point, I’m still drawn to the wrong kind of man for me. Thinking about my last relationship with a man who was wrong for me…I don’t ever want to go through that kind of hell ever again, both of what he did to me, and what I became when I was in that relationship. So I’m done. I’m burying my heart—meaning, I’m doing my damn best to ignore/push down my feelings for the aforementioned-long-nickname guy, and I’m done with the dating thing. I haven’t been pursuing it particularly aggressively, but I’m done.  Obviously, the former task is going to be more difficult than the latter, but I’m going to give it my best shot.

My heart belongs to my friends and my family; it always has, really, but now I’m not going to be hiding a big chunk of it away for “someone special.” I’m going to do my absolute best to refocus the energy I’ve wasted on the pain of unrequited feelings on my writing, my dance, my body, and my loved ones.

Yeah…we’ll see how it goes.

Okay, boring post done. Entertaining one to come soon!