PRIDE MONTH Personal FAQs!

 Heyyyy, kids! Happy Pride!

 

I’m still working on Part 2 of my religious/spiritual post, but I’m holding off because a friend of mine who is deeply Evangelical is going through some very serious shit right now—something that requires her entire community, of which there is overlap with me, to lean heavily on their religion. I know it has naught to do with my personal spiritual preferences, but I also don’t think now is the time to continue posting about how ridiculous I think Christianity can be, and my flirtation with fictional literary Satan. Seems like a dick move, so I’m holding off.

 

In the meantime, it’s Pride Month, baby! And you know what that means?

It means a bunch of people get really confused about me posting Pride stuff when my husband and spawn seem to indicate I’m heterosexual. In the immortal words of some character from a TV show I never watched…

 

I’m actually really fucking queer! So here’s some FAQs I get every June when I start vomiting rainbows.

1. You’re what, now?

            The terms I use for my sexuality are bisexual, pansexual, or sexually fluid (ha. Fluid. Sex. Sex and fluids. I’m an adult.) I don’t settle on one term because none of them fit perfectly. I like men and women, but also those who lie betwixt, so bisexual doesn’t perfectly cover it. I use bisexual mostly because…it’s easier to explain to people who aren’t up on the terminology. Sad but true. Pansexual is a bit more accurate, but there are definitions of pansexuality that describe it as sexual attraction to someone despite their gender identity, and that’s not true, either. Sexually fluid is the broadest and therefore most accurate term, but I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy, so I can’t say it without giggling maniacally.

            Also while looking for images to use on this blog, I discovered the term "omnisexual," which is a very good description of me, but ugh. So many fucking labels. Whatever.

            No matter what term I use: I’m sexually and romantically attracted to cis men, cis women, trans men, trans women, and non-binary people. Everyone. Not despite gender—gender can be a big part of my attraction to someone. Jason Momoa, for example, my second-biggest celebrity crush, is attractive to me in an extremely masculine way. I mean, look at him. My biggest celebrity crush, Charlize Theron (Goddess,) is likewise attractive to me in an extremely feminine way. But I also adore the lack of or blending of the gender binary in my genderqueer and nonbinary loves. I love androgyny and mascs with makeup and femmes in flannel. I’m attracted to trans people as well. Can anyone objectively say they are not attracted to Laverne Cox? Didn’t think so.

            Pretty much the only thing I’m not into is beards. Sorry, not sorry. They look good on some people, absolutely, but they’re scratchy and I don’t like kissing bearded people. But do continue with glitter and flowers in your beards. Please and thank you. ‘Tis gorgeous.

 

2. Okay, but you're in a monogamous marriage to a cis/het man. So you're basically straight now, right?

 

Nope. Still bi/pan! Does your fondness for blondes go away if you wind up marrying a brunette? Didn't think so.

 

3. Why do you have to throw it in everyone’s face, though? Who cares?

 

My kneejerk reaction is to tell you exactly where you can shove your question, but for the sake of eradicating erasure, I’ll actually answer this one.

 

Bi/pansexual people who end up in straight-looking relationships are hit on all sides with ERASURE. Basically, if we end up in a straight-looking relationship—and many of us do, because math—our sexuality is, essentially, “erased.” We get mean-mugged at Pride parades and conservative family members gleefully sweep our queerness under the rug.

 

This is part of why I’m so fucking loud about my sexuality. Normalization is important. It’s essential. It really is, folks. You might not care if I’m bi/pan. You might think I’m just looking for attention or trying to be “special” in broadcasting that part of myself.

 

And You are probably a straight person, because you obviously don’t get it.

 

Straight people have the luxury of not thinking about their sexuality. In our culture, you’re the “default.” You don’t even think about it. Your sexuality is already normalized. Of course you don’t go around being “proud” of your heterosexuality or your cisgender status. To you that would be like being “proud” to be a human.

 

But I ask you to think about how you feel, and how the media reacts, to an actor who comes out as gay, or trans, or non-binary. I ask you to realize that the media reacts. How do you feel when a movie, TV show, or video game features an LGBTQIA character? Be honest. Does even a little part of you go, Ugh. Trying to get diversity points. Why do there have to be gays in EVERYTHING nowadays?

 

That is why I’m loud about my sexuality. We’ve made great strides in LGBTQIA normalization, but we’re nowhere near considered “normal.” “Coming out” is still a thing, and it still rips families apart. Children who are LGBTQIA are still ostracized and bullied and often driven to depression and suicide. Trans women (especially of color) are still murdered. “Trans panic” is still a legal defense in some places for murdering someone. You can still be denied medical care, work, and housing simply for being LGBTQIA.

So you may not care that I’m bi/pan, but sweaty, the world certainly does. And until being bi/pan…and gay, and trans, and nonbinary, and ace…is so accepted that we are no longer denied basic human rights or murdered, assaulted, bullied, and disowned…I’m gonna wave my motherfucking flag. Because seeing a QUEER, married, home-owning, mother of three existing in everyday life helps normalize the QUEER part. It helps break down prejudices, stereotypes, and fears surrounding the LGBTQIA community. It helps eliminate bi/pan erasure.

 

In other words: I’m here, I’m queer, and until EVERYONE gets used to it, it’s rainbows and Pride pins and my Bisexuali-TEA mug at work. Until being bi/pan, and LGBTQIA in general, is no longer seen as me “claiming diversity points,” y’all are stuck with this. So vote for our rights and hug us straight-appearing families at Pride and Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

 

4. Why do you drag your kids into this, though?

 

            Because if I have anything to do with it, Generation Alpha will be the one where LGBTQIA people have the same rights and social status as cis/hets. Next.

 

5. Seriously, though. Why are you putting your kids through your gay agenda?

            Ugh. I don’t mean to stretch this one out, but now that I have kids and it looks like that hasn’t magically made me a straight, conservative June Cleaver, the “Think of the Children!” crowd just won’t stop their pearl-clutching.

            So, for those who don’t know: When people ask me the genders of my children, I usually say I have two boys and a girl, “unless they tell us otherwise.” The twins share clothes fairly indiscriminately and the baby wears both masculine and feminine hand-me-downs. And yes, I deck them out in rainbows and Pride-wear.

            I was going to make fun of the “gay agenda” crap, but you know what? I do have an agenda, and I am raising my kids with it. My Big Gay Agenda is to normalize LGBTQIA people and to challenge and break down stereotypes along the gender binary. My agenda is to make my family and home, at the very least, as free of homophobia, misogyny, and toxic masculinity as I possibly can. My agenda is to raise my spawn to do the same. You don’t like it? Don’t come over.

            In the fairly likely scenario that any of my spawn are part of the Rainbow Branch (my name for the multiple LGBTQIA members of my family tree, myself included,) I don’t want them to feel the need to “come out” to me any more than a straight kid would. Though if they’re trans or non-binary, I hope they let me know as soon as they do so we can all do the pronoun adjustment and such smoothly and promptly.

 

6. How can your husband ever be enough for you as a bi/pansexual?

            This is kind of the new “HUH-HUH, DO YOU SWING, THEN?” now that people are mostly understanding that sexuality (hetero, LGBTQIA) and relationship type (monogamy, polyamory) aren’t the same thing. But it’s no less idiotic, sorry not sorry.

            I’m in a monogamous marriage. I’ve never been polyamorous—desirous of more than one partner. I’m a fierce advocate for my poly friends and fam, make no mistake. It’s just not for me. I’ve always been satisfied with one partner at a time, regardless of their gender. And I hate this question because it insinuates that if you’re into more than one gender, then one partner can’t possibly satisfy you on a sexual level. Like….why? Seriously, why do people think this is a thing?

This is a question of polyamory vs monogamy, not gender.

I’m perfectly romantically and sexually satisfied (also, does anyone not realize how invasive this question is? Do you realize you’re essentially asking “BUT DOES YOUR PARTNER TURN YOU ON SATISFACTORALLY?!” Would you ever feel the urge to ask a straight person that? The fuck is wrong with you?) with one partner. Their genitals and their gender are inconsequential. This isn’t difficult to ascertain. If I weren’t romantically/sexually satisfied with one partner and needed another, no matter what gender, then I’d be polyamorous. Whether or not I’m bi/pan makes zero difference. There are straight poly people and queer poly people. I’m a queer monogamous person. I…that’s all I’ve got. That’s the furthest I can break it down. If you don’t get it, I’m not sure I can reach you, kiddo.

 

This had a bit more sass than I’d intended, but Mama doesn’t have a ton of patience these days, babes. Raising three under three without daycare is no fucking joke. Either way, Happy Pride! I love you all, even my confused little cis/het normies.