30 Things about Being Thirty!

Note—I will be using thirty and 30 with zero consistency. Grammar nerds, prepare to clutch your pearls.

Greetings, dear invisible/imaginary followers.

I turned thirty on Halloween! And when I tell people that (or in the past when I told them I’m turning thirty,) I get three consistent responses:

1     Thirty? Wow! I thought you were much younger!/You look great!

2     OH SHIT! DIRTY/FLIRTY THIRTY!

3     Ahhhh. It’s all downhill from here, you know. Bet you can’t do xyz any more now, can you?

Fun fact: I can predict how people respond to my turning thirty by their age. #1 are those significantly younger than me, who see thirty as some far-off expiration date and who are still very sex-appeal-focused (sorry, my baby lambs, you know I love you anyway.) #2 are people my age who have, in true Gen Y fashion, turned their worries about the concept of turning thirty into an empowering hashtag.* #3 are very bitter middle-aged people who seem to delight in the fact that aging happens to young people, too. They seem to be a ‘misery loves company’ type of crowd, and I’m not too fond of this.

When I tell people that I’m excited to be thirty, I’m usually met with raised eyebrows. Excited to turn thirty? She must be in denial. Doesn’t she know that thirty is when women stop being sexually attractive and that that’s literally all that matters about women?! Sorry, guys, I don’t buy it. For one, it took me ‘til 27 to lose my baby face, and I’m kind of enjoying having cheekbones. I mean, look at them! They exist! And two, I really, truly am excited to be thirty. I know that this upcoming decade means a lot of change, a lot of slowing down and a lot of forming lines and silver hairs springing up, and I’m not going to pretend I’m looking forward to that, but all in all, thirty feels like the finish line of a long and tumultuous decade of confusion, doubt, and existential crises. This Halloween I embraced my third decade with (slightly tipsy) open arms, and I hope this will be a decade of comfort, confidence, and good changes.

Without further ado, an idea I shamelessly stole from Hannah Hart, one of my internet crushes. Shut up, she’s amazing.

30 Things about Being Thirty!

1. You give no fucks about what anyone thinks about your personality, or how you dress, or how you live your life in general. Like…zero fucks. Don’t like that I post pics of my food on my Instagram? Fuck off, then. Don’t like that I’m wearing PJ pants in public? Sounds like a ‘you’ problem.

2. People have stopped saying that your goth clothes/nerdy collections/anime fandom is “just a phase.” 

3. You’re starting to move from “what you will be” to “where you ended up.” The future no longer feels like some distant dream.

4. Because of #3, you’re feeling the pressure of finally acting on your long-standing dreams…and it’s scary. Maybe it’s time to get out of my bottom-rung pay-the-bills job and start actually pursuing my film career/small business dream/pottery studio? I should have kids, like…soon…now? Holy shit. Is it kid time already?

5. Forget “all my friends are getting married.” Your friends are getting divorced now. After years of marriage.

6. Now if you get pregnant, no one thinks it was an accident.

7. The novelty of #adulting has worn off. Sure, you feel good about being on top of your bills, but you’re no longer excited about grocery shopping without parental aid.

I could not find the original source for this, but I love it.

8. You’re beginning to wonder why you cared so much about the opinions of the gender you’re attracted to. The urge to mate has released its death-grip on your brain chemistry.

9. Sex, however, is better than ever. You’re not too embarrassed to communicate in the bedroom. You’re not ashamed of your kinks. Life is too short not to get off.

10. It’s significantly more difficult to make new friends. Maybe it’s because you’re always working, or out of the college environment, or you priorities have changed, but it’s really hard.

11. Likewise, your friend circle is shrinking from masses of acquaintances to a few core, ride-or-die friends—the people your kids will call Auntie or Uncle someday.

12. You can’t eat like you used to. Fast food sits like a hot ball of lead in your stomach. That ulcer that never bugged you in your twenties now spews xenomorph blood whenever you even look at pizza. 

(Note—Many people hate this change, but I actually welcome it. It has forced me to eat better and explore healthier food options, and I’ve loved that journey. I’m legitimately glad I can’t eat at McDonald’s anymore. McDonald’s is lukewarm shit. I wish my body had recognized that sooner.)

13. Teenagers have become these strange, tall babies who don’t even know who they are yet but think they know everything about the world. This makes conversing with them very awkward.**

14. You want to punch every undergrad who bitches about how hard college life is. Like…punch them right in the throat. Kid, you have a meal plan and housing you don’t have to pay for monthly. Shut. The fuck. Up. When they talk about their bright and optimistic plans for their future, you want to trudge up to them like an old-timer in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and snarl, “’Foolish child. Do you have any idea what it’s like out here? DO YOU?!”

15. As you can tell from #13 and #14, you’ve become a tad curmudgeonny about some things. You start thinking that Benny from Rent is actually the protagonist and that the leads in Reality Bites are human garbage.

Uuugh...I feel you, Benny.

16. You realize you can barely remember a single goddamned thing about high school, and that that’s fine by you.

17. You’re starting to realize just how long it’s going to take to pay off your student loans and are beginning to weigh that goal against a better work/life balance while you’re in your prime.

18. Grey hairs. They’re happening. Possibly consistently. What. The. Fuck.

19. Likewise, the little lines under your eyes that used to appear when you pulled an all-nighter don’t seem to be going away anymore.

20. The city you’re living in may just be the city you settle down in. The idea doesn’t seem so scary anymore. You may also be browsing Zillow real estate postings in the very next tab at this very moment. Maybe.

21. You bought most of the furniture you now have at a store, rather than fishing it out of a dumpster and drowning it in Lysol.

22. You now know just how important politics are. For everything.

23. People are now subtly and not-so-subtly dropping hints that you’re getting “too old” for anything from coloured hair to staying up late. As for your response to this, see #1.

24. You still don’t have your shit totally together, but you no longer feel badly about it. Life is working. It’s…fine…it’s fine.  

It’s fine.

25. Your family means so much to you now. If you live far away, you miss the hell out of them and you’ve given serious thought to moving closer to them. Or you have moved closer to them, and it’s awesome.

26. You know exactly what you need to live a healthy and balanced life. You might not be doing all of it right now, but how to do it is no longer a mystery.

27. Too many actors, musicians, authors, and highly successful celebrities are younger than you…and not just by a year or two.

28. You’re getting sick a little more often. Not much more often, but enough to notice. You’re starting to consider actually getting a flu shot every year…maybe even going to a doctor regularly.

29. You’re starting to prefer bars where you can actually hear people talk and the bar staff can actually make a good cocktail instead of just the strongest drink possible (which is for the better, since hangovers are pretty much unavoidable at this point.)

30. You now realize that 30 isn’t nearly as old as you thought it was when you were 21. On a related note, when a 21-year-old tells you that you “still look good” after you’ve told them your age, you want to tear out their snotty little throat with your teeth.

Here’s to the next decade, kids.

*No, I don’t actually think that all of you who have used #Dirtythirty or #Flirtythirty are insecure about turning 30. Let me make a joke, dammit! #NotAllMillennials

**I’m fully aware that this may just be a ‘me’ thing. Educator friends, chill, I know you have no trouble talking to teens. I also know that they’re real people who hate being treated like babies. Buuut I can’t help it.