The World Sucks, So Let's Clean: Dee's KonMari Adventure

Marie Kondo is fucking crazy.

Marie Kondo, or, as she prefers, KonMari, is a cleaning consultant in Japan who wrote a best-selling book based on her method of tidying your home and space. And she’s insane. She treats inanimate objects as living, feeling things, and believes that one of the best things you can do for your clothing is whisper to them and thank them for their service. This is an excerpt from her section about socks:

“I visit the home of a client in her fifties. As always, we started with her clothes…when she pulled open her sock drawer, I could not suppress a gasp. It was full of potato-like lumps that rolled about. She had folded back the tops to form balls and tied her stockings tightly in the middle. I was speechless…I pointed to the balled up socks. “Look at them carefully. This should be a time for them to rest. Do you really think they can get any rest like that?”

Her book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, is full of crazy shit like that. She later advocates lovingly stroking your books as you sort through them, and similarly stroking your out of season clothing while reassuring them that you still care and that you can’t wait to wear them again. What began as a book about getting rid of excess crap in your home has now become a harrowing delve into the mind of an anthropomorphizing wackadoo worthy of a room beside Billy Bibbit in the psych ward. Friends of mine have assured me that the KonMari method of tidying is one of the most effective and home-transforming practices out there, though, so I am going to get through this book and begin my own…drumroll, please…”KonMari Journey.” *

 

I have to say, this is the PERFECT cover design for this book.

But let’s back up. Why do I, last seen breaking down my views on abortion from a scientific standpoint, give a rat’s ass about some meticulous madwoman’s maintenance method (boom, alliteration for the win)? When did I become a suburban homemaker with Empty Nest Syndrome? Is Bite Me about to become a “Wifeyblog” about the best way to organize socks, or little posts about my #firstworldproblems, but don’t worry, I’m still #Blessed?**

Rest assured, dear invisible/imaginary reader, I haven’t hung up my penchant for rage-rants on controversial topics. But I have to be honest: Lately, I’ve been feeling burnt out. Since the election and inauguration of Tyrant Tinyfingers, Fascist Cheeto, and the subsequent bit-by-bit destruction of progress in this country by the GOP, I have been swinging wildly between terror, rage, and hopelessness. Every piece of news emotionally decimates me. I have called (and sometimes cussed out) Ohio’s spineless worm of a Senator multiple times, voiced my opposition to countless moves made by the Republican Party on countless office voicemails. To tell you the truth, I’m exhausted, and my exhaustion is beginning to show.

Ladies and gentlemen, the aesthetic paragraph break. Hold your applause.

            As a consequence of the stress of these past few months, I have begun to notice a shift in various aspects of my life. I did a Facebook friends purge recently, cutting out over 200 strangers and old passing acquaintances so that only people I care about can see my boring/wonderful personal life. My Pinterest binges are less and less about clothing and recipes and more about creating boards with titles like, “Gardening to Feed Yourself,” “Finding Free Time,” “Small Space Hacks,” and “Minimalist Living.” My recent trip to the library yielded the aforementioned KonMari book and a collection of stories from owners of Tiny Houses. I’ve watched Minimalism, a documentary on Netflix, three times now; the third time taking notes on the websites they mention and authors they interview. More and more, I’ve begun to crave more simplicity in my life.***

            Well, part of it is the stress, but another part is that I have hit that magical, glorious point of maturity where I am finally overcoming insecurity, doubt, and caring what others think of me. I’ve mentioned this shift in previous posts, but kids, it is amazing. Shedding the old skin of adolescence/young adulthood is so freeing, and now that I’ve had a few years to fuck around, experiment, and make mistakes, I’m finding it incredibly easy to figure out what kind of life would truly make me happy. But either way, I land on the same spot: I know what I want, and what I want is less stuff cluttering up my space, and less space to clutter with stuff. We’re stuck in more space than we need for a few more months, but less clutter? That I can do something about, which brings me back to Ms. KonMari.

            I have to admit, when a friend on Facebook mentioned the KonMari method on a post of mine, I had to look up what the hell it was. Even though it’s apparently a huge craze that has been sweeping the country for a good two years, I’d never heard of it. After seeing a steady Google stream of inspirational blogs singing its praises, I decided to borrow the book from my local library to see what all the fuss was about. I’m about halfway through the book now, and I have to say, though Marie Kondo is clearly overselling (tidying will improve your family, your love life, your health! Yeah, okay, honey), her quick-read book got me chomping at the bit to purge myself of excess junk and live in a beautiful, meticulously organized home. And so, because I need to start somewhere, because I need a distraction, because I need to do something that feels positive, fuck it! I’m going to tidy my home using the KonMari method.

            …man, the word tidying sounds so archaic. Or British.

            Moving on.

            For those who, like me, have no fucking idea what the Konmari Method entails, here’s a breakdown for you:

1. Do everything in a short amount of time, or, as KonMari calls it, do a “once in a lifetime event” of tidying. The actual amount of time to tidy up your life seems to be open to interpretation. Some people do it in a few hours. For others, it takes a few months. 

2. Your possessions are broken down by category, rather than by room, and you must go through said categories in a specific order: Clothing, Books, Papers, Miscellany (which KonMari calls komono,) and Sentimental Items.

3. Discard using a simple but unique method: Gather everything in a specific category to one spot in a room. In other words, rip everything in said category out of closets, drawers, cabinets, etc, and put it all together in one giant pile to confront yourself with how much shit you actually have. Then, when you are through wallowing in shame, take each and every single item in your hands one at a time, and ask yourself, “Does this spark joy?” Yep. Spark joy. That is her catchphrase. If an item doesn’t fill you with glee, discard it, preferably while thanking it for its service, like a fallen flag.

4. Designate a specific home for every item you keep. This will help you avoid relapse and ultimate dishonour on you and/or your cow.

For the record, that was not a jab at her being Asian (she’s Japanese and Mulan is Chinese. Read a book, Lana,) but more of a jab about how insanely severe the tone of this book about tyding up is. Again, this might be a translation issue, but KonMari constantly throws words like fatal and catastrophic around when discussing sock drawers and closet organization.

Anyway, other than some very unique folding techniques, that seems to be the jist of the method, and I’m actually pretty excited to try it out. Beneath the hokey catchphrases and irritating enthusiasm, this method seems sound. Brutal, but sound.

So, how to get started? Well, first, I’m going to set a schedule. I have a lot of stuff to sort through, and I don’t like the idea of leaving for my afternoon shifts in the middle of cleaning, so I think I’m going to try to tackle one category every Monday, my typical day off, though I think I’ll have to divvy up the Miscellaneous section, which covers everything from DVDs and coins to everything in the bathroom. And, just for funsies, I’m going to document my “KonMari Journey” Mommyblog style, with blog posts filled with photos and anecdotes.

Well, since it’s technically Monday now, why don’t I get started on prep? Most of the beginning of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up is KonMari explaining why her method is awesome and other methods are paths to failure. Is there anything she recommends for getting ready for this magical, life-altering journey to cleanliness?

Hm. Well, about thirty pages in, she bullies a client of hers into describing her ideal home life in vivid detail because it’s crucial to picture your success after your life-changing cleaning experience. So, okay, I’ll start with that.

            Dee’s Dream Home Life, as it stands right now, looks a little like this: A small house (like, 2 bedrooms with a basement) with super creative storage and space-saving solutions, like a desk that turns into a murphy bed so we can have a guest bed when people are over, but the space is utilized every day as an office, rather than being unused 90% of the time like a guest bedroom would be. The décor is fun and very ‘us,’ but there is no clutter, no excess. The yard is small but sunny, fenced in for the pups, and filled to the brim with plants like herbs, tomatoes, peppers, potatoes, and whatever fruits can survive Cleveland (I’d rather be somewhere warmer and sunnier, but being close to family is a priority, so Ohio’s Winterfell it is.) Add enough basement space to dance and an offspring or two, and there you have it.

 

Except the mountains are Lake Erie.
...the fog can probably stay, in that case.

Well, that was easy. Not sure how it will help me clean better, but I guess I have to start somewhere. Next week, I tackle my clothes.

Oh, Christ, really? I really have to start with clothes? Like, my belly dance costumes and my goth gear? All of my clothes?

Fuck. This is going to hurt.

* I feel like an asshole for emphasizing poor KonMari’s bizarre beliefs. All accounts say that she is a quiet and sweet person in real life, and maybe the book isn’t as batshit in its original Japanese, but…yeah, if you read it, you’ll definitely be thinking it’s time she gets fitted for a strait jacket.

**Full disclosure: I kind of like wifey and mommyblogs. The ones that aren’t INSANELY religious, anyway.

*** I also have to admit that my stress is affecting my behaviour with Bite Me. I’ve started three posts tackling some controversial topics (religion, for example,) only to find myself running out of steam in a few hundred words. I’ve spent the past few months watching horrible things happen in this country, from the rescinding of trans rights, to the Dakota Pipeline, to…God, even making a list of the shit that has happened is stressing me out. I feel like my country is tumbling into a downward spiral, and I can’t do a fucking thing about it. I’m going to keep fighting, because that’s what we all have to do, but I do think it will be a while before I tackle any hard topics on my blog. Much like my Netflix queue, which is full of increasingly fluffy sitcoms, kids’ shows, and Disney throwbacks, Bite Me may have to serve as my escape from stressful topics. I’ll get back to the worthwhile stuff eventually, but for now, I’ll wade through a little fluff.