Resolutions for 2017

So.

Hello, 2017.

Now that I’ve gotten my anger out in a previous post, I can focus on the positive of this past year. Putting the political terror aside for the moment, 2016 was an absolutely amazing year for me. I married the love of my life and moved to a beautiful city that I adore and found a job I absolutely love. It was the year that I really seemed to grow fully comfortable with the artistic, sarcastic, smart-mouthed freak that I am. It was the first year that I could say, “I like myself” the vast majority of the time. (Pre-November) I had very few backslides into depression and even my anxiety seemed far more subdued than it had been, especially considering the huge life changes I experienced. Had political disaster not struck and put my entire country in mortal peril, 2016 would have been an amazing year, albeit one marked by the tragedy of so many celebrity deaths. I mean, we lost Jareth, Snape, and Leia in a single year. Even if Clinton had been elected and we were not all fearing for our nation, 2016 would still have been rough for that reason. Not to mention the personal tragedies that befell many of my dear friends and the Ination community, my beloved darkling throng. But for me, personally, overall, pre-November 2016 was a wonderful year.

But how did I do on my New Year’s resolutions for 2016?

Um……it’s complicated?

Let’s look back at my handful of resolutions for the year that ended in so much darkness.

1. Get married!

               Check and check. We got married, and it was beautiful. This was by far the easiest resolution to…resolve? In which to succeed? To win? Oh, God, my poor little brain. Moving on.

2. Regular fitness

               Uh…well….yeah.

               Okay, so I will give myself this: We did exceptionally well with exercise until a few weeks before we moved. We were at the gym 2-4 days a week, and god damn, I was seeing results. I didn’t have a six pack, but I was defined as fuck, and my ass was pretty damned redonkulus. I was insanely proud of myself. I also discovered that Hubby and I really like working out together, even though I’m leagues behind him on a fitness level. I mean, guys, if you’ve ever seen this guy work out…he’s a freaking beast. He’s over there lifting a barbell with my freaking body weight on each end clean over his head, and I’m over here spraining my wrist with 10lb dumbbells (sadly a true story.) But I digress. We worked out regularly, and we were doing a bang-up job.

               But then we started packing, scheduling time to spend with people before we moved, etc, and we started to slide out of the habit. When we moved here, we were broke, and we still had to pay the monthly fee at the BG gym for the rest of the year (they only charged by the year. Dicks.) There was no way we could afford a gym, and unfortunately, neither of us work out at home. We don’t have the equipment that Hubby requires for his crazy regimen, and I…well, when faced with the prospect of doing 5 sets of 25 thigh-murdering lunges with my dogs barking in the background and, I don’t know, falling down a YouTube rabbit hole, reading, or cleaning, I will choose anything but the lunges. There are far too many distractions for me at home. I’ve never been good at working out in my own dwelling.

               We did get a membership to the YMCA after a couple of months, which led to the discovery of another snafu: Schedule conflicts. Now that Hubby and I are day-walkers, and both employed, our schedules often conflict, and we found that neither of us particularly liked going to the gym alone. Whether it’s our clinginess or the fact that we lean on each other for motivation, we just weren’t into it.

               Long story short (she said after a long story,) I’d give myself a 5/10 on this one. Solid try, and a great job for a while, but then life happened, and then we slipped out of the habit. This is still better than I have ever done by way of an exercise regimen, so I’m still pretty proud of myself, especially considering how much I fucking hate exercising.

3. Stop eating junk food and have better nutrition.

               Again, I’ll give myself a half score on this one, maybe a 6/10. I certainly succeeded in half of it. Overall, I cooked and ate nutritious meals far more often than I ever have. I have a Pinterest page full of healthy recipes and an earmarked Thug Kitchen cookbook to thank for that. However, I still did snag the occasional fast food dinner, ate nothing but rice and cereal when we spent all our money on rent, and good God, my sweet tooth was out of freaking control in 2016. Like, If I do not eat cookies right now I WILL SPRINKLE YOUR ARM WITH CINNAMON SUGAR AND FUCKING EAT IT out of control. At a particularly low point in failing this resolution, I ate an entire family-sized bag of Sweet and Sour Starbursts in a single day (except for the grape ones. Blech.) Not exactly one of my shining moments.

4. Finish first draft of a new novel

               …….

               God dammit.

               Of course I didn’t start it. I outlined the shit out of a story idea that I still want to start, wrote the first few paragraphs of an opening chapter…and then I couldn’t stop thinking about I Am Twenty One, my first novel. You guys…I am so fucking tired of this freaking book. I’m so tired of it. But I can’t let it go. As luck would have it, however, a friend of my mother, out of the blue, offered her services as an editor to my obnoxious little project! I’ll keep you posted on how that goes, but yeah, I’m pretty angry with myself about not being able to cut the umbilical on this one and start something new.

5. Knit something other than a scarf

               Check! Check check checkity check! I finally broke my decade-long habit of occasionally picking up needles, knit stitching a few inches of scarf, and sticking my knitting bag in the closet.

               This year I knitted a little gris gris bag for myself, then a bigger version of that to hold my mala. I also knitted two cup cozies, wherein I learned the seed stitch and how to make buttonholes. I even tried my hand at knitting in the round with the magic loop technique…which was a horrific failure, but I’m still proud that I tried! I was one crafty bitch in 2016. Never mind that all of my little accomplishments were all things a 10-year-old could make. I am not good with hands-on crafty endeavours, so I’m pretty pleased with my progress.

               ….consonance.

6. Perform somewhere for Halloween.

               Full disclosure, I was not confident about this one when I decided to make it a resolution. I knew I was going through a lot of changes right before the Halloween season, and I knew that chances were pretty high for failure, and…I was right. There was no way I was going to scramble together a choreography and costume, find a venue, rehearse, and perform not two weeks after my Honeymoon and staring a new job, a month after my wedding, and two months after moving. I was physically and psychologically fried, and by Halloween I was barely able to form a cohesive thought, let alone handle the anxieties of performing.

So, overall…yeah, I did not do too well with my resolutions, but I am happy with the progress I did make in my consistently difficult areas of diet and exercise, and I’m not beating myself up too badly about the other failures.

As for this year…I actually have big plans.

Dee’s Resolutions for 2017!

1. 3 meatless meals a week, one of which being vegan.

http://www.thugkitchen.com/

               Eating better, yet again! Last year, I kept things vague, hoping that would make it easier to succeed, and it certainly did (I did technically have better nutrition overall,) but it didn’t do anything for consistent healthy eating. I’m hoping that putting myself on a specific regimen will help me eat healthier every week, not just in general.

I have a leg up this year over last; I am employed, and Josh and I have enough money in our budget to shop once a week. I truly have little problem eating healthy foods. Other than my insatiable sweets cravings, I don’t have a lot of vices. I don’t eat a lot of red meat, I love fruits and veggies, and I’m not afraid of trying new things. On top of that, I have truly resolved to go vegetarian eventually. The food lover in me weeps at the prospect of restricting my diet in such a way, and maybe I won’t ever put my foot down and say I will never eat meat (I guarantee you I will still eat my grandma’s pasta sauce, and I know I’ll want a meat dish at restaurants down the line,) but I’ve figured out that I’m just not comfortable with the idea of an animal dying for my consumption, regardless of whether or not it was treated well. I’m just not comfortable with it. I have a tentative 5-year plan before going “full vegetarian,” and I think that this resolution is a good first step toward that.

The book Thug Kitchen, though its theme is obnoxiously forced (we’re vegan, but we’re so edgy. Look, we said fuck! We eat plants, but we’re badasses. Trust.) has been a transformative book for me. I never realized how much my meal planning involved meat. Once faced with the prospect of a meatless dish that wasn’t salad or pasta, I was kind of thrown for a loop. Throw in a restriction on all animal products, and I felt totally lost. How the hell do I make a good pasta without cheese? Oh dear God, what about baking cookies?! This bitch needs butter! But I gave the book a shot, and I am so glad I did. It taught me new ways of seasoning foods, which introduced a whole palate of new flavours to me, and it showed me how to compile a meal that wasn’t the obvious formula of meat, veggie side, carb side. With Hubby on board with this resolution (though not becoming a vegetarian someday. That’s my journey, not his,) I’m looking forward to some measure of success.

….Hopefully I don’t get lazy and just make unhealthy veggie pizzas and alfredo pasta on the vegetarian days…but that’s why the vegan day is there, to keep me in check!

2. Exercise and meditate regularly.

               I’m doing this. I’m doing this. I’m doing this, dammit. We got a 6 month membership to the Y for Christmas, and I am determined to stay in shape this year. I hate getting winded walking up stairs, I hate spending so much of my day sitting and staring at a screen. Contrary to popular belief, the body and the mind are not two different things. It’s no coincidence that I feel better mentally when I am exercising regularly. When you take care of your body, you take care of your brain. True story. Exercise helps combat both anxiety and depression, and I’m going to need all the freaking help I can get in that department with Tyrant Tiny Fingers at the nation’s helm.

               I am, however, going to approach things a bit differently. Last year, my wonderful husband helped me plan an exercise regimen that consisted of weights, repetitious exercises like crunches and lunges, your traditional workout. I got through it with some dark and angry music, but fuck. Fuck. I fucking hated it. I have always hated traditional workouts. They’re so. Freaking. Boring. You can only stare at the floor in plank so long before your mind screams for stimulation, but there is no stimulation, because you’re staring at the freaking floor, so all you can focus on is how much the plank freaking hurts. Every ache in my muscles is amplified when I’m doing a boring, repetitious movement. That’s why I can dance for twenty solid minutes, but the elliptical kills me after five. Daddy needs variety! I know that consistency is important for my goals (maintaining and toning,) so I’ll keep to the boring stuff a couple times a week, but I’m going to focus more on group classes, on swimming, and other activities that will be a bit more fun for me than weights and crunches all week. The Y has a plethora of activities, and I plan to utilize them!

3. DANCE. Perform at least once this year.

From Tribe Noire's troupe shoot 2013.
Courtesy of Laura Dark Photography

               I was tempted to make this a loftier goal, like start a troupe or perform regularly, but I’d rather keep it small and in my control. It’s definitely time to release the beast; to dance my freaky little dance in front of people for the first time in years (Ination doesn’t count!) I don’t know any of the performance venues around here that will take me, but this is happening. This freak needs to fly.

4. Work on the first draft of a new writing project.

               I’M DOING THIS, DAMMIT. I’d love to put myself on the spot to finish a first draft, but I’ll honestly be happy if I work on something new consistently throughout this year. I also don’t know what working with an editor entails, and if I do break down and end up releasing I Am Twenty One on Amazon or something, that will probably take up a fair bit of time. So, work on a first draft, Dee. Just fucking do it. Cut the freaking apron strings.

5. Knit Josh something more complicated.

               My first idea was to attempt a whole sweater, but…yeah, not a realistic goal for the girl who had to unravel a coffee cozy a record fourteen times. I’m thinking socks or slippers; something small, but challenging for me, that will teach me more complicated techniques. I can do this in a year.

6. Crochet a thing.

               This year, I’m going to take a legitimate stab at crocheting. Crafty friends have always told me that crochet is faster and easier than knitting, especially when it comes to big things, like blankets, and cute things like plushies. I guarantee you I will find crocheting to be extremely difficult, but I want to learn, and I want to make something, even if it’s a tiny plush octopus. …it’ll probably be a tiny plush octopus.

7. Regularly donate to something that is trying to help this world.

               I’m already donating monthly to both Planned Parenthood and the ACLU, and I want to keep that going, and hopefully do a bit more. If nothing else, it combats the crushing sense of helplessness that has been threatening to consume me since the election.

8. Keep the apartment ‘drop-in ready.’

               Guys, I’m really done with being embarrassed when people come into my apartment before I’ve had time to clean it and make it presentable. I come from a long maternal line of obsessive cleaners, and though I frequently live in clutter and neglect to wipe countertops, wash dishes, and mop floors, I feel a very deep sense of shame whenever an outsider actually witnesses this. A messy home also stresses me out in general (sometimes to the point where I’m too overwhelmed to start cleaning…yay, self-defeating anxiety disorders…) I’m just done with it. My goal this year is to keep my apartment in a state wherein I will be comfortable if someone were to unexpectedly visit. I’ve already drawn up a daily/weekly/monthly chore list, so I’m off to a good start. Hopefully I can keep the ball rolling all year.

9. Start a sleep ritual.

               This sounds very new-agey, but is actually rooted in our neurology. I’m going to engage in a series of small habits to signal my brain that it’s time for bed; drink a cup of herbal tea, read in a rocking chair by lamplight, and meditate. I hope this effectively eliminates the racing thoughts that keep me up at night and exhausted in the morning.

10. Stay sane inside insanity.

               In case you couldn’t tell, this election has rocked me to my core. I am terrified, infuriated, and grief-stricken. Mostly terrified. And as I mentioned in a very mean-spirited previous post, I have lost quite a bit of control over my GAD. This year I’m going to do whatever I can to keep myself as sane as possible. The last thing I want to do is scuff my shiny new marriage because I can’t manage my stress and my fear. The world around me is going to spiral, throwing news of corruption, stripped rights, and maybe even war in my face every single day. The news used to depress me as it was. It could easily destroy me now. I’m going to do my absolute best to keep my head above water and ride out the storm. I have to keep sane this year.

               Even if it means getting a bit…stranger…

 

Hint...

Happy New Year, my imaginary/invisible readers. We’re in for a rough ride.