Breaking Up

            Hey, guys. I’m in an awful state of mind right now, so this post is going to be very incoherent and less than eloquent. I’m basically just going to get my point across and bail, because focusing on what’s happening to me right now is pretty detrimental to my mood.

            I have a terrible track record. In the four long relationships I’ve had in my life, three of them ended in horrific train wrecks of heartbreak. My most recent relationship hasn’t ended that way. It’s more of a whimper than a bang, which is less tumultuous but infinitely more difficult to navigate through for me. Most of what I’m going to talk about here isn’t really in reference to what is currently going on for me, so I’ll be using examples of the more traditional meltdown relationships I’ve had in the past.

            There is no painless way to end a relationship, and in my opinion, healing from it and moving on is more about how you handle things afterward. Everyone is different, but in my experience (and in the countless breakups I’ve seen with friends and family), there are a few extremely important factors to healing a broken heart. I’m going to be both honest and blunt about these; blunt because they need to be said like that sometimes, and honest because I may be preaching this, but I certainly haven’t practiced every point myself in every breakup I’ve dealt with (this current one has some complicating factors, for example.) So if you’re currently going through a breakup and are still very emotional about it, I’m probably going to sound like a total bitch, but hey, if you know me and have read my blog, you already knew that about me. ;)

            The most important thing to do is also the most difficult, the one that everyone tries to somehow circumvent because it’s exactly what every ounce of your being is screaming for you not to do when your heart is broken, and that is put distance between you and your ex. Yes, I’m telling you to stop talking to the person that up to this point has been the most important person to you for however long your relationship was. Do not text, do not call, do not hang out, do not follow their posts on Facebook. When my psychotic ex (the one before my current one) left, the best thing I did for myself was cut off contact for a while. It was also the hardest thing to do. In long relationships especially, you might not have gone a day without seeing this person. You might have done their laundry and grocery shopped together for the past few years. It’s extremely difficult, but you must disentangle your life from theirs. The longer you stay intertwined, the harder it’s going to be and the longer it’s going to take for you to move on.

            I’ve had countless friends try to stay friends with their exes right away. For casual relationships, it seems to work without many problems. But for the kind of relationships I have, the ones I’m talking about in this post--where there was a very deep romantic emotional connection for months or even years, where you might have talked about kids’ names, have a pet together, made plans for a future together, etc--staying friends right after the breakup inevitably ends with someone getting hurt. Why? Because one person is going to move on faster than the other. Imagine witnessing the person you love with another person’s tongue down their throat. Imagine them with their arms around somebody who isn’t you. It’s going to hurt. And you aren’t doing you or your ex any favours by sticking around to witness it.

            Even if that doesn’t happen, staying attached to an ex so soon after a breakup blurs the line between friend and significant other. I’ve seen exes who are just “friends” continue to sleep in the same bed, share a bank account, drive each other everywhere, and basically remain completely dependent on each other. More often than not this does nothing but lengthen the time it will take for them to get over one another. Other times, “non” couples like this end up getting back together simply because it’s “easier” to stay together than to learn to figure out how to live without each other. Not to be an asshole, but does that sound like a healthy relationship…? We all know on-again, off-again couples, and they aren’t exactly shining examples of happiness. To get stuck in a dependency loop like that is to shoot yourself in the foot. It keeps you from growing, from changing, and even from meeting someone who might actually be good for you. It’s not worth it…trust me, I know. I’ve been down this road an embarrassing amount of times.

            I understand the impulse of staying around someone who had been such a huge part of your life for a long time. I have quite a few friends who have broken up with someone and remained “friends” with them. And what I inevitably see with those friends is a vicious cycle of denial, dependency, and emotional torment, either in them or their ex/“friend.” It’s hard to see in people I love. It is so much better for everyone involved to make a clean cut, as impossible as it may seem, for at least a few months. You cannot rediscover yourself as an individual with your ex hanging around. Life isn’t like How I Met Your Mother.

            Now, before I get an onslaught of “Dee, stop being a bitch, not everybody’s like you!” I totally understand that there are exceptions to this. There are people out there who end very emotionally attached relationships, remain friends with their exes the whole way through the breakup, and everything’s cool. I’ve even seen it happen.

Once.

Yes, that merited a sassy paragraph break. Bite me.

Anyway, I’ve seen it work out once and I can’t even count how many times I’ve seen it fail. I’m definitely not saying that no one can ever be friends with an ex with whom they had a deep connection. I’m just saying that it’s much healthier (and smarter) to cut off contact while the breakup is fresh and sort out the emotional fallout independent of one another. When you have established your own habits and your own friends and your own independent life…essentially, when you’re whole again…you’re in the right frame of mind to decide whether or not hanging out with an ex is a good idea for you.

            Another important thing to do after a breakup is to keep busy. During my last really bad breakup, I spent a good month and a half walled up in my newly empty apartment. I didn’t go anywhere, I didn’t see anyone. All I did was lose an unhealthy amount of weight brooding over every single thing that went wrong in that relationship, everything I “failed” at, essentially driving myself insane. I do not recommend this.

            I don’t personally do well sitting alone in my apartment for long periods of time, and in the midst of a breakup, doing that is just begging for my depression to take over. If you’re like me, then now is the time to see friends, have girls’ or guys’ nights, visit family out of town, or take up a class. I’m insanely grateful to be in BG right now, because I have so many friends who are more than happy to steal me away for a few hours at a time and handle Down Dee with relative ease. There will still be low moments, of course. The point of keeping busy isn’t to bury your pain, but to avoid brooding about it excessively. Keeping active also helps you build up a life independent of the relationship, which is, as I’ve mentioned, the most important thing you can do for yourself.

            As for a parting thought, this is going to sound very weird, but if you were in a relationship for a long time and spent a lot of time in your current space, you might want to consider moving. If that’s not possible, then completely reorganizing has always helped me get through. For some reason, one of the first things I find myself doing after a breakup is redecorating my apartment (or, if I have a roommate, my bedroom). For me, a new bedspread and personally chosen art on the walls has always made me a little better, a little more “me” and a little less “we.” But I’m a notorious nester with three separate Pinterest pages about home decorating, so this step might not apply to everyone, but I figured I’d throw it out there. It’s my version of getting a new haircut or growing a breakup beard.

            I might have more to say on this topic later, but right now I need to get out of the house or I’ll go nuts. If you’re going through a heartbreak, hang in there, my darlings. It’s a terrible thing to go through, no matter how common it is. Don’t forget that you will feel better. There is always a light at the end of this particular tunnel. If you are one of my flock, you know you can always come to me if you need someone to listen. I promise I’m not always blunt and bitchy and I am perfectly capable of buying you a drink or cuddling you excessively without a lecture.

           I apologize for any grammar errors, misspellings, underdeveloped thoughts, or inconsistent moods in this rant. This is just one of those posts that I vomited onto a page without much thought. I love you all, my invisible/imaginary readers. Hugs and kisses!

*****Please bear in mind that as of right now, where I am, I am a gigantic hypocrite posting advice that I am struggling to follow as we speak. This is a do as I say, not as I do type situation.